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| Saturday, December 30th, 2006 | | 8:43 pm |
oh yeah
I let go tonight, I knew someone would catch me...................................... ........................................ ........................................ ........................................ ........................................ .................................... maybe I was wrong................................... ........................................ ...................... Current Mood:  drunkCurrent Music: in my head | | Sunday, December 24th, 2006 | | 4:52 pm |
It' christmas eve, and for the first time since I can remember I'm having a great time! I didn't have to worry about my "other" family judge me or telling me what's wrong with my life or how I'm doing a bad job with william. I didn't have to worry about keeping an eye on brandy so that we could keep the peace and make it through just one more year. I had fun. We had a wonderful dinner and had wonderful company! I really felt that I belong here with my new family. It really let me know how much I missed not having a family like this though. But having one now is wonderful. I've always depended on my close friends and their family's to feel that I at least partly belonged but it's very nice to find a family I can call my own, with people that don't mind me calling them my family and ones that call em their family. I have never called anyone mom since my bio mom left back in 1988, it was weird at first but after the first few times it just felt right!!! I love my mom and my pops very much! And I Know with my mom and pops, I have a family and that I will. I am very grateful that we found each other. I don't feel as alone as I have for the past many years, and I'm looking forward to a future with my new family. So I think my new year resolution this time is to love and appreciate my family, to let them know what they mean to me as often as I can, to never take any of them for granted and spend time enjoying them and the beautiful thing we have in this world. I thank my new family for the best christmas I've had since I don't know when! I LOVE you all!!
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year Current Mood:  excitedCurrent Music: MY family sitting around a puzzle, together | | Tuesday, December 5th, 2006 | | 2:01 pm |
Last night I had a dream
Last night I awoke feeling terrified! I had dream of my mother. I dream that took me back to when I was just a little girl, unaware of how terrible this world really could be. I was a mama's girl! I'm not ashamed of it and I'll admit it. It was who I was, and in many ways who I still am. My mom was my world, she was my source for everything. I remember that no one could touch me in my mother's arms. I have longed for that feeling of safety and security that I used to feel wrapped up in her arms. Her absence has left a hole in me, an emptiness I'm struggling to fill. Whatever happened to the land of barbie dolls and rainbow sherbet that I remember growing up? The hugs, and the kisses, and the stories time before bed? Whatever happen to the woman I looked up to, the soul that I treasured, the person who was my life? Was she scared away? Was there nothing more for her here? Did she need more? How could she have left? How could she walk away with us standing there.........How could she never come back? She said she'd always come back! That was our song, the one by K.T Oslin.
Well, there's a nursery rhyme,
It's a favorite of mine.
About a little girl and some sheep
That she could not find.
They told her not to worry,
They'd come back.
Darlin, you're my shepard,
I'm your little lamb.
But you ain't always gonna know where I am,
But don't you worry, I'll come back. I'll always come back, come back baby, to you.
I'll always run back, straight to you.
I'll never get too far away from you.
I'll never get too lost that I can't be found.
And I'm never gonna swim too far out, I might drown.
And I'll always come back, come back baby, to you
.
Well there's a wooden wonder from way down under,
They call a boomerang.
If you handle it right, it'll come back.
But, you must have had me when you were a boy.
'Cause you've got the touch that turns me into a toy.
And like a boomerang, I'll come back. Keep your eyes on the horizon.
When you start to missing me,
Just look out your window and there I'll be. 'Cause I'll always come back, come back baby, to you.
I'll always run back, straight to you.
I'll never get too far away from you.
I'll never get too lost that I can't be found.
And I'm never gonna swim too far out, I might drown.
And I'll always come back, come back baby, to you.
I'll always come back, come back baby, to you.
Kinda sappy really, actually pathetic that I would have believed it for a moment but you know how kids are right, they cling to every grain of hope. They can be so easily manipulated in to believe that fairy tale ends are real and that we will all live happily ever after. Then they're fragile little worlds are harshly shatter when reallity get hold of them and shows them It never works out that way. You can spend your whole life moving forward or at least you think so and after many years what do yoiu have to show for it. Nothing. I have nothing to show for the 25 years I have lived, and I was stupid enough to believe that i was doing something with my life, maybe not what i orginally plan but I still thought that helping to shape the lives of my siblings and cousin was doing a good thing. What was I thinking? That the good I do will one day redeem me of some sin I am guilty of committing? Was I doomed to hell anyway? I have given just about everything I have to give, I've tried to be what others have wanted me to be that I'm unsure of where the line between the really me and person I pretend to be is. I have let people fade out my very being. And as I said I LET them, It's my own fault. I could have said no. I just wanteds to know that some one out there could have loved me and like me, even if it wasn't the really me. I'm finally starting to realize that I would rather be hated for I am, then loved for who I'm not. It has been a long hard road to come to that conclusions but I'm getting there. I still find my self changing to fit the need of the friend or person I'm with. I didn't notice at first all the people I pretend to be. It's like being an actress or a sorts. I feel the role needed, nothing more, nothing less. I just can't do it any more. When do I get to worry about me? Why can't I put me first? but most of all why Do I feel guilty for wanting my own life, to not have to worry about kids, or family? Why do I beat my self up over what everyone else is out there doing finding there own way ? Is that what I was put here to do? To take care of these people? IS that the peak of my potential? Is this all there is to life? Maybe that is what my mother asked her self before she left. Maybe she need more, or to find her self. It is quite obvious that she didn't feel she belonged in this life. I jsut wish that I could have belonged in here life. I wonder if she ever thinks about us kids? I wonder if there's a piece missing in her like there is in me. Maybe I was broken to begin with, that's why there isn't that link from her to me that was there from me to her. I guess I'll never know. Not with her anyways. I've lost that and I'll never have it back. What I wouldn't give sometimes to be able to hide away from this world wrapped up in loving arms, all safe and secure knowing nothing could touch me .............. | | Sunday, November 5th, 2006 | | 12:39 pm |
| | 12:24 pm |
Old fashioned and conservative, you carry yourself with dignity.
You have a tough exterior, and you can be intimidating when you want to be.
Hard working and ambitious, you can survive in the most cut throat work enviroments.
Outside of work, you are a true friend to everyone in your small inner circle. You may have had a difficult time earlier in life.
Capricorns are late bloomers and you may be coming into your own right now.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourrisingsignquiz/">What'sYourRisingSign | | Sunday, October 22nd, 2006 | | 8:03 pm |
Last night
I've never been the kind of person that just cries. It's not really something I've wanted people to associate with me. But Last night, I couldn't help it. I cried! And not the few tears I let slip every once in a while I mean I sat outside and I balled my eyes out. Too much has built up, I just couldn't keep it all in. The topic bright up last night in a conversations just set me off and I couldn't keep from falling apart. Although the topic bothered me greatly it wasn't the whole reason I fell apart. I guess there is only so much I can take and I learned just how much last night. I know that drinking when emotion isn't a very wise choice for me. I'm either really emotional or really happy when I drink. I'm not an angry drunk. But being under the influence doesn't make being at an emotional low all that easy to deal with. I still can't believe I just sat out there and cried. It was way out of character. | | Saturday, October 21st, 2006 | | 9:12 pm |
In respones to the previous post
One Time a guy I know asked me why I was ashamed of who I was. So in reply to that, it is because No matter how hard I try to better my self, no matter how straight I try to ask, I will always be Gay, and It will always off set people from me. When others are no longer afraid of me, when they no longer question me, When they are no longer ashamed of me, Maybe then I can take pride in my self . One day I will move past what people think and learn to love myself with out the approval of others but I'm not there yet. So I will cry y self to sleep, with out them every knowing how much it hurts, and continue to pray to God that one day I can be like everyone else, Just like I have since I was 13 and first realized that I well never belong. | | 8:20 pm |
What Can I Do??
Again tonight I realize just how uncomfortable I make people feel. Most of the time I don't realize it. It doesn't occur to me. It kind of destroys me knowing that part of who I am makes people uncomfortable. It destroys me to think that people think there is more behind what I do then what is really there. I know that being Gay it isn't accepted by all. I know that. I live with it every day. But the hard part is knowing that it bothers my friends, even if they pretend that it doesn't, or say that it doesn't. I know it does, I see it! I wish I was normal, I wish I was straight. I wish I was like every one else. But I'm not, And I can't change that. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. But it kills me that people, if even briefly question my motives. Or think that there is more to things then there really is. I've lost many friends because I was close too the, too close I guess. I can't be close to woman with out there being a question raised that I was in it for more then just a friend. I try so hard not to come across wanting any more but obviously it's not working. Everything I do is still question. A couple of years ago my best friend walked away , she stop talking to me. Her boyfriend thought there was something going on because we were close, so of course that meant I was trying to get her into bed. I don't even have to do anything inappropriate. I don't do anything. But because I'm gay I'm after every woman out there. Do people really think that???? I know some do. But why. Woman aren't out after every man they see. They can be friends with guys with out being questioned. Must I always distance my self from other. It's so lonely, I can't handle that. I'm not sure which is worse, Being alone or knowing people are afraid of you and uncomfortable around you. Sometimes I feel I should have pulled that trigger, when I had the chance!!!! Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: NONE | | Wednesday, October 11th, 2006 | | 12:31 pm |
Beautiful Friends of mine
I have been blessed to have wonderful friends that are watching out for me. Most of my life I've been surrounded by people who really don't give a damn about me and then I find these amazing people. I've recently been knocked over by unfortunate family events and my friends have stepped up to be my saviors. It's funny how you can weed out who your real friends are by one tragic event. People who I thought were my friends merely walked away, and others have com through for me like no other. I would never have expected that two of my friends would have done what they have done for me and my family. I owe them greatly. I am truly honored to have such beautiful souls surrounding me. Alice and Chip have taken my sister and I in and have treated us so well, like family. The family we didn't have. The closer I get to these two wonderful people the more I adore them. Alice is an amazing woman, she loves unconditionally with an enormous heart that is pure gold. She is a True mother, I would have given anything to have my mother been a fraction of the mother that she has been to her kids. She is an incredible friend, reliable and caring, compassionate and understanding. She is a powerful woman, standing her ground and not compromising her standards. She is MY FRIEND!! And I am proud that she calls me her friend, completely honored in fact. What she sees in me I'm not sure whatever it is I'm glad she does because I don't know where I'd be with out her or Chip. They family I find my self with are not the one I was born in to, but the ones to have found me, the ones who have made me belong. My dear friends. Whom I love! | | Tuesday, October 10th, 2006 | | 2:35 pm |
Sweet Dreams, And Goodnight
It's weirds how dreams can affect your world. I've been haunted by dreams most of my life. Some I remember and understand why they haunt me, but others I'm left in the dark about and do not understand why something I do not remember can scare me so much. It has gotten to the point that I'd rather not dream at all because they are so unpleasant. I'd rather not sleep on some occasion, especially with the dreams where I relive certain events I'd rather forget about all together. My therapist once told me the only way to move past it is to talk about it. But how do you talk about something like that? And who wants to sit there and listen to topics that are that traumatic? How do you move on? Will I ever move on? What am I to do? Current Mood:  nervousCurrent Music: none | | Monday, October 9th, 2006 | | 1:14 pm |
Lonely Holidays Pending
I just recent realized that they holiday season this year my suck horribly! My reason for living my be detained longer then I would hope for making this our first holiday season apart. This depresses me greatly. I've turned everything to my world to revolve around one person, my little man, and not knowing if he will be away or not is very un-nerving. I'm not sure what to do. This will be my first christmas where I'm not going to my family's function. I've never felt like I belonged there and last year confirmed when they pretty much let us know that we were not wanted for more then tradition. So I refuse to go. As lonely as it maybe I don't want to subject my self to the fact the my own family rejects me. Who would wanted to be reminded of that. What will christmas be without my little man. Nothing! Just another day. Sometimes the future looks so very hopeless................................ ................................what's the point? | | Thursday, October 5th, 2006 | | 8:54 am |
http://images.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/personality.jpg"
Five Point Personallity Test
Extroversion:
You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/">The | | Sunday, October 1st, 2006 | | 8:19 pm |
Art
What Art Movement are you? Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions. At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much. This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents! You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse | | 8:12 pm |
| | Tuesday, September 26th, 2006 | | 1:34 pm |
When I Grow Up I Want To Be....
I'm not sure what i want to be like career wise. I Mean I focused in on math, Archiectual CAD, and Horticulture in high school but I was very very good at anything. Just average at most things. As for planning for the future, sure I wanted to go to college and that was the plan, for a while. I never gave college much thought after my grandma got sick. Who was gonna take care of Will when she was gone. I knew it would be me, I already did most of it she just watched him will I was in school. I was lucky to make it through high school before she died. I'm also Lucky that my close friend Buckingham got to see me graduate, since he was the single force that keep me moving forward on most occasions. I still don't know what I want to be but I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong person, some one people can count on and turn to if they need something. I want to be someone people are comfortable being around, not like with my family where it is all forced and akward when we are together. I want people to be able to trust me. I want to be a good friend, loyal and reliable. I want to be a loving person who is compassionate and understanding, I want to be able to relate to others. I don't want to be judgemental, I want to accept people for who there are, Loving the difficult ones along with the easy ones with the same intensity and devotion! I want to be able to see past peoples faults and find the best in that person, and remind them that they are wonderful! I want to be a dedicated partner, who is faithfully and committed whole heartedly!! I want to love others unconditionally and be loved unconditionally! I want to be funny and charming and witty.I want people to know that I'm a good person. I want to be someone people are proud to call a friend. I want to find the confidence in myself to be all these things. One Day..................................... ........................................ ....................... Current Mood:  drained | | 9:35 am |
Life sucks
Life really sucks sometimes, I went yesterday to visit my cousin in denny Youth center. He does no belong there. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And now is locked up with bad influences. He's scared and homesick and it takes everything in me to not breakdown and cry everytime he does during visitation. His to sensitive for that environment. His doing better then I expected. Our visits leave me so emotionally drain that I'm having a hard time trying coping with things. My anxiety is heighten do to the elevated stress levels and I'm scared I won't be able to Keep this up for much longer. The nightmares are back. I usually don't remember them I just wake up in a fierce panic, scared, and freaking out. It's just intense fear and of what I don't know. Maybe that's it, maybe it's the unknown that is scaring me.I've been thinking alot lately.About a lot of thing Like the quest for love. Everyone wants to love and be loved. I think I have a hard time aknowledging that other's my love me.I seem to be able to love other's but I struggle in believing that they could love me. When I was much younger I had convinced my self that my mother left because of me, that it was my fault that my brother and sister had no mother. I thought that if my own mother couldn't love me, if she could wake away so easily how could anyone else ever come to love me. My shrink told me I was crazy for thinking that and that it was normal for kids to blame themselves. I've never had much self esteem, I've always felt like a failure. I tried to do what was expected of me to earn approval from my father but it never happened. I took care of my sibling as he asked and I did good in school as he wanted and I took care of him instead of going my own way and doing my own thing, and yet it was never enough. It always seem as though I was just outside his line of sight. I was a disappointment. I feel as though i have failed my aunt, not only in the raising of her kid but also with the not living up to her expectations. She's not even here anymore and the idea of disappointing her completely eats me up in side. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feel so lost. I'd run away if I wasn't so afraid of what is out there. No I wouldn't. It's not like me to run. not that far anyways. Sometimes I think people would just be better off with out me. I would hate to drag down someone I care about. Current Mood: depressed | | 9:32 am |
I've always believe that crying and breaking down is a sign of weakness in my self. I've never felt that way about others I've always offer my support to those who need it never thinking less of them. it happens right, but when it comes to me I've always expected more. Too many people count on me to be strong and hold thing together for me to breakdown and cry like a baby!! I'm always harder on myself then others. Besides I worry about what others think so much that I'm sure I think worse of my self then they really do. But sometimes thing just get so bad and you just can't help it and alcohol doesn't help and drinking for the wrong reasons only leads to trouble!!! So that's where I'm at. I was raised where talking about it is wrong, being weak is wrong and that I'm going to hell cuz I'm gay. THAT"S RIGHT I"M GAY! Oh well there are worse thing in this world to be! I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of pretending!!! I am who I am!! I'm overwhelmed with my current problem!! And I'm Worried more about what other think of me then I am about my own health, or mental health. I've been to therapy Have I told my family, NO! Why so they would question me???? I can do alot of thing but if I keep it all bottled up there is a limit to what I can do!!!! I am only so strong by my self. I'm pretty good at pretending that there is nothing wrong but I fucked up this time. I failed to do what I promised I would do. I made a promise to my aunt before she died that I would raise her son and make her proud. But I failed a long time ago. Just like I promise to be there when my best friend died, even if I couldn't find a way there I should have tried harder, I did promise for gods sake. I've seem to be a consent disappointment to those closest to me. Whaty is wrong with me. I refuse to let people to let people to close and that's probably why I'm stall single. I refuse to aknowledge that I need anyone. It's a huge flaw that most won't accept!! At lot has happen to me that I never spoke of. I never told anyone that I was molsested, I never told anyone that I was raped. And it took forever before I came out that I was gay. And Why? Because FEAR rules my life. IT always has. I fear People and what they think of me, I fear letting people down and being a disappointment> I fear talking to strangers and Most of all I fear being alone and finding out my life had no meaning. What can I do about this. I don't know. I used to write in a online journal all the time and people where convienced that I was pretty fucked up. That is understandable but it doeswn't do anything for my lack of self eestem!!!! I've tried so hard to turn out to be a good person that I've turned into some kind of obsiousive monster that is defeating the purpose that I set out to achieve! I don't even know whwo I am!!! I've tried so hard to be what others what me to be for so long that I don't even know what I wanted to be. I feel like a lomely tree in an empty barren field, n ot having what I need to grow and bloom and noting knowing what to do. Slowly dying from the inside out!!! What am I to do?????? Pathetic, yes!!! Insecure, yes!!! Afraid, YES! I'm afraid of everything and I'm to scare to let anyone know that, How sad!!!! My World is crashing down on me, CAN I SAVE MYSELF..............NO | | Monday, September 18th, 2006 | | 1:56 pm |
Just a repost Was visiting a old memory! Loving Memory What's up with people these days? I mean one minute things all seem fine and then when the shit hits the fan, everyone runs. My Best friend just died. He was one of the best friends I've ever had. He was the man that gave me what little confidence I had, a man who believe that I could do anything, even when I didn't even believe I could stand another day. A man who looked at my dreams and told me to dream bigger, then should me how to reach each goal I wanted to achieve. A man that stood behind me when I needed someone the most. The man that I grew up with, he taught me to golf and to dance, he showed me that there was more to life then what was in my little box that I called life. He knew everything about me, stuff my own father doesn't know and he still loved me, he was still my best friend. Sure he had his faults, and he had let me down a few times but over all his was a great guy. He had his demons, we all do, He just chose to drowned them in alcohol. If people only knew all of it. IF they knew his past and how he was treated as a child because he was the result of a love affair between his mother and another man. Then Sent to live with his grandmother one of the only positive influence in his life. He was beat and watch his grandmother being beaten til he was big enough to do something about it. Then he was sent back to his mother where his protected his sister and brother from beatings and abuse that he endured. If only everyone knew what that man gave up. He married young, She left him while he was in the army and he hasn't been able to see his kid in Forever. And He watched his little girl drowned as he tried to get to her. Yes this man had his demons, But he was still a good man! He took care of his two nieces when his sister was strung out on what ever she was on that night, He was there to comfort them when the dreaded phone call came in telling them that she had done so much it killed her, and other's cause she was driving. Then he married again thinking that he could have a family and was denied again, He gave her 16 years, before all the lies and drugs and cheatings and all torn them apart and they split up. He wanted a family more then anything and never got it. Because everyone seems out for them selves. As soon as my best friend died his wife was right there taking control of all his assets because they were still technically married. Where was she when he was sick and when he had knee surgery and couldn't get out of bed, Where was she when he had to have heart surgery and he was scared of dying, Where was she when he needed him when His grandmother died and he was overcome with grief. She was so fucked up she couldn't do a damn thing. No, and I know she wasn't there because he was my best friend and I was there. When ever he needed to talk, we talked, and we talked about things he couldn't talk about with his buddy's. He may have tried to pass off the Bad Ass, Ex-army ranger image, but he was just a big teddy bear. He loved kids, and was great with them. He would have been an awesome father had he been give the chance. And where is his family and his so called wife. Oh, the minute he was gone they where there for the money and they house and that's it, Doesn't matter what he wanted.Only how much each of them can get. What an insult to his memory! Fuck them! Karma well get them in the long run. My best friend Just died, and it seems no one cares but me and my family. A great man has gone from this world, leaving it is just a little more empty, and a little more cold, and little more hopeless! What is to come of the future? What is to come of mankind? What it to come of love and humanity and compassion and all that is good and pure. Will our children learn to be like this. Well we create a world that no one can stand to live in. One with no real human emotion, where we feel nothing! Why? Is it that great to feel nothing that we would chose that? I hate that lows my self, the anger, and frustration and the pain, all of it. But if we didn't have it then how, when things where good would we know how great love and happiness and joy and all feel. you have to have a bad to have a good, other wise it's all the same. There is nothing! I wish I could understand what is going through some peoples minds. I know this, I am a better person Because my friend help make me to be the person I am, along with each person I have had that has come through my life. I know that I have a few true friend and he was one of them. I am blessed to have know him, and even more blessed to have been loved By him. I will forever, Love him!! In Loving Memory of B. D. Buckingham | | Friday, February 24th, 2006 | | 7:41 pm |
 | You scored as The Pretty-Boi Dyke. You can be a bit cocky at times and ever the heartbreaker, but no one knows that you're really just looking for true love.
The Pretty-Boi Dyke | | 55% | The Student Dyke | | 45% | The Stud | | 40% | The Surprise! Dyke | | 35% | The Granola Dyke | | 35% | The Sprightly Elfin Femme | | 30% | The Femme Fatale | | 30% | The Magic Earring Ken Dyke | | 30% | The Quasi-Gothic Femme | | 15% | The Bohemian Dyke | | 15% | The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke | | 15% | The Little-Boy Dyke | | 10% | The Hipster Dyke | | 10% | </td>
What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com |
| | 7:02 pm |
WELL
Ok It's been a while since I actually wrote in my journal but with everything that has been going on lately has left me in an odd sorts and I felt like writing. I like writing and should actually do it more often since it's a great way to sort out the many crazy ideas in my head. Unfortunatly I'm very consumed with things in my life and don't always find the time to sit down and type out a page or so. I will try and find the time til then my little guy is calling and I better see what trouble he is up to. |
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rebel_angel_21's journal
